020: How to Improve Your Relationship, Get Your Needs Met, and Get Him to Help Out (Part 1)

Hi, and welcome to the relationships episode. I'm excited and a little nervous for this one, it's controversial yet super important. And this information that I'm going to share with you in this episode changed my life. And I'm going to tell you in just a minute why it's controversial and why and how it changed my life. But before we jump into that and get into the agenda, I want to just put out there just a few different important pieces of information. So the first thing that I want to call out here, because it's very important to me, is everything that I'm about to talk about in this episode. And the next episode, I'm going to split this into two, because there's a lot of information to cover. But everything I'm going to talk about in this one, and the next one about relationships, is going to be specifically related to my experience and what I've read about and those women that I've coached. And that is related to a relationship between a man and a woman. And so I just want to make that clear that it's all based on that. And what I really want to make clear that's so important to me is I love and support all types of relationships across the LGBTQ plus spectrum. So supportive, I'm definitely an ally, love all the types of relationships, I just don't have any experience myself or in coaching anyone in one of those types of relationships. And so that's why I want to throw it out there, that it's not specifically meant to be about any one of those types of relationships, just because I don't have that knowledge or that experience. However, my guess is that a lot of it applies in those types of relationships, I'm just not sure. So I'm just throwing that out there. But want everybody to know how supportive I am, and an ally to all those different types of relationships love them. The next thing that I want to make sure to call out is that everything that I'm about to share is advice and guidance for a relationship that is not abusive. So this is meant to be a relationship with a good guy with a decent guy. And there are many, many challenges that all of us get into in relationships with with good guys. So if you are with somebody who's abusive, if you're in a toxic relationship that's emotionally or physically or both abusive in those ways, or you're just with somebody who's just an asshole, just put it like that, this is not going to work. It's not going to work. If you're in an abusive relationship you need to get out of that relationship. And I understand that is so much easier said than done. I used to be a board member on our local YWCA, where that is one of the things they do they provide a domestic abuse shelter. And I learned a lot about how hard it is for women to leave abusive relationships as I was a member of that board. And so I take that very seriously. And if you need support, please, you can look up your local YWCA reach out to me, I can help you find a resource. But if you are in an abusive relationship, emotionally, physically or bowls, this stuff is not going to help and you need to leave. So I just want to call that out. Before we jump in. I want to talk to you a little bit about my story. And then I still have a couple of extra disclaimers to put out there because this stuff that I'm going to talk about here can really turn people off and come across as controversial. So

when improving my relationship was one of the biggest parts of my journey that I've gone on to live my best life. And I mentioned it as one tiny little line in my intro where I think I say, overcoming marriage issues, but it was pretty big. I mean, we got to the point where it was essentially over before we ended up turning it all around. And so I went through years, literally years of marriage therapy and counseling, which is where I learned a lot of what I'm going to share with you but even before that, because I was going through relationship challenges in my own marriage. I spent hours and hours of therapy on my own and reading about how to fix relationships and how to be happy in your relationship and how to get your needs met and your relationship because we got married when I was 20 years old, and he was 22 years old. And we had no idea how to do a relationship or how to meet each other's needs, or any of the things that I'm about to talk about. And it was a long, rough journey. And so that's part of the reason that I want to share everything in here. It's kind of like a cliff notes version of that journey and despite being coming across as controvert Marshall, it really, truly works. It has completely changed my life, and taken my relationship from one that I was done with it to being one that I would be very, very sad if it ended and we have been married for 19 years now. And it was about in the range of, you know, 10 to 15 years of being married, when we went through our, our biggest struggles, the struggles were going on for the first 10 years, I just didn't really know how to identify them. Even I was so lost with all of it, but completely turned it around. Now, that's not how every relationship goes. And that's fine, some relationships should end or need to end. And that's absolutely okay. But I was able to implement what I'm about to share here in my marriage and was able to turn it around. Now, full disclosure, that doesn't mean my marriage is perfect relationships take work. And we certainly have our ups and downs. But it is a night and day difference and a relationship that I feel so good about and certainly want to stay in, which is a huge shift from where I was at before. So I want to preface that and just have shared a little bit more about my journey. And I I'm happy to talk more about that I'm pretty much an open book as it relates to my journey and my story. And I do share more with the ladies who take my program one on one or in a group, we go into this stuff a lot deeper. So anytime you have questions about this, if you're struggling in your relationship, please reach out, you can get a hold of me on my website, women's best life university.com Or on Instagram at Katy Blommer You can message me there and I'll definitely see it, we'd be happy to talk about any of this stuff in there. So that's just a little bit more about my journey. And then my story as it relates to this stuff. Okay, let's talk about why it's controversial. I'm just gonna start by saying that for most of the women listening to this, it's really gonna piss you off. It really when I learned this stuff, years and years and years ago, it made me so angry, because a lot of reasons it comes across as anti feminists and anti women's empowerment. And it's truly not I really promise it's not, some of the concepts are going to seem that way. And they seem that way to me at first and I was mad, I was so desperate, at the time that I learned this stuff that I was like, What the hell, I've got nothing to lose, I'm gonna give it a shot. And turns out it all works. And so I resisted it in the beginning, because I am so passionate about women's empowerment and, and feminism and an equal rights. And

I don't know, all of the things I don't need to go into. I think you know what that means all of the things. And so when I learned this, I was like, What the hell is this, like, taking me back to being a 1950s, you know, housewife who had no power in the world who couldn't even get a job because men thought she was too dumb. It's, it's not that it's truly, truly not that, but you're gonna feel that way. As I described some of this stuff, I'm just giving you like the most massive trigger warning. The reality is, it's very much rooted in empowering women. And in us learning how to live our best lives and having these great relationships. And the fact is, and this, this is really the biggest part of it is that if you are a millennial or older, the chances are, and you're in a relationship with a man, that you are in a relationship with a man who has been affected by toxic masculinity and our culture, it's just a fact. Now, if you are somebody who found a unicorn man who wasn't affected by any of that, and he just meets your needs, and helps around the house and automatically helps with the kids and walks into a room and knows where he should help, just jumps in proactively, and does all those things. Amazing. I'm so happy for you. This is probably not your episode. This is probably not meant for you, you may be still learn something from it. But really, for women in these cases. And what I'm seeing, especially as I post about this stuff on social media is that a lot of the younger generation who are just starting to get married, when I post about the tips and tricks in there, they get really angry and they say Why did you even marry someone who won't do those things? Okay, who doesn't help equally around the house or walk into a room and know how he should help or see you getting ready with all the things for the kids while he's just chillin while you get ready, right? The reality is good guys do this. And most of us are married to guys who act that way. It's just a fact. And it's just reality. So it's not helpful for this younger generation who when I post these things on social media gets mad and says you shouldn't be with a man like that leave him it's not helpful. Now, that's why I go here. That's why I go into all these strategies because the vast majority of us are married to men. men who were impacted by watching their fathers go to work, and then come home and show while their moms did everything, it's just, I'm stereotyping. It's not all but it really factually is most of them. And that's what this is geared towards. Because nearly all of the women I have worked with in a coaching situation have experienced this. And I experienced it too. It doesn't mean they're bad guys, but they are influenced by the world. And that's why we're going to talk about masculine and feminine energies in the way that we're going to talk about them. I wish they had different names, we're going to get into that in a minute when I cover that topic. But that's just what they're called. And that can be very triggering for a lot of people who are fighting against toxic masculinity. And I am one of those people too. I'm also trying to help people learn how to be the happiest they can be in their relationships. And so that's really what this is rooted in. The other thing that pissed me off when I first learned this stuff. And by the way, all of these things have pissed off women who've taken my program both one on one and in the group setting. And it's awesome, because in the one on one in the group setting, we have lots of time to discuss through this. And I've encouraged each of them and gotten each of them to baby step into the things in here. And they've all seen improvements in their relationship because of it. And so it's like you do start out angry, and not a believer in these things at all. But then once you start trying them and they start actually really working, it really can change your mind and and turn your opinion around. Because you see it's rooted in living your best life. It's not rooted in catering to him, it's rooted in catering to yourself, we don't want to cater to them. It's all about loving ourselves and valuing ourselves enough to stand up for what we need in our relationship. And by the way, then choosing to walk away valuing ourselves enough to choose to walk away if we've asked for what we need over and over again, and we're not getting it. And we're gonna get into all of that stuff. In this episode, and in the next. And who knows, I may even need three parts. I don't know how long this is going to take. But it's it's a long one, because there's a lot of important stuff. But the other thing that pissed me off and the women who've taken my program is why the hell does it have to be us the women who work on this stuff? Why does it have to be us? Why can't it be them? And I wish I had a better answer to that. But the answer is because they won't, they won't work on it. For whatever reason. And I know I'm stereotyping. Disclaimer, always. Most men are fine or not fine, but more fine than most women just coasting in their relationship. And the reality is, in a lot of relationships, we're

doing all the things, we're doing all the things. So they're living pretty well, why would they want it to change? Why would they proactively want it to change? Now, you've asked them maybe and you're thinking, well, they should want it to change because I need it to change. That is absolutely true. But chances are you've been asking in the wrong way. And this is where we get into what I lovingly like to call how to speak, dude, I don't want that to come across as offensive. Because I truly don't mean it as offensive. But men and women speak different languages, it really just is true. And so you've probably been interacting with him in the wrong way and asking in the wrong way. And that's probably why he hasn't changed. So that's why it's us, we need to work on it. The other thing is, and this is a stereotype too, so might piss some of you off. But women generally have better emotional intelligence than men. And that's not their fault, because they've been taught to bury their emotions and not express them their whole lives. And so to get in touch with themselves in the ways it requires to do this work that I'm about to talk about, it's really much more difficult for them than it is for us. But regardless, if you want it to change, he's probably not going to do the work and chances are if you're struggling in your relationship, really in any way. He you've probably already asked him to do the changes and he hasn't done it. That's the case with most when it was the case of me it was the case with most women who I've worked with on this stuff and coached. So wow, that was a lot. Those are a lot of disclaimers. There's one more thing I want to give credit where credit is due. A lot of this information I learned in a book called have the relationship you want by a woman named Rory Ray, and I'll link it it's actually an ebook. It's I when I was struggling in my relationship, I got sold by like I was Googling something about relationships and I got sucked into the sales funnel for this woman. And I bought her you know ebook through the cheesy sales funnel. And like I said, I was just in a place where I was really needed help in my relationship and I hadn't done relationship therapy because he refused, which is very common. And so I was trying to learn things on my own. And I ended up reading this book because it was a pretty A quick, easy read. And I mean, no offense to this woman. But it is because the book is amazing. And it changed my life. But it's very cheap, easily written. And it does come across very much as anti feminist. It's tricky. But the actual tactics and the things she says to do are game changers. And so I sort of that's a baseline for what I'm teaching here, but I kind of put my own spin and my own twist on it, but I just I want to give credit where credit's due. And I actually recommend reading the book, even though it's going to drive you insane some of the things that she says and the way that it's written, but credit to her because it actually did work when I tried it and started implementing it. Okay. All right. So that was a lot. We're 15 minutes in with all the disclaimers in the backstory. But let's talk about the agenda. So all of the things I want to talk about, either between the two episodes, or amongst three, I'm not exactly sure yet how long this is going to take include, number one, detaching your happiness from him. Feminine versus masculine energy, letting go of control, letting him love you and letting him be himself. express what you're feeling deep down, then we're talking about connection. And then we'll do a quick recap. And like I said, I don't know where I'll cut it off between the episodes, but those are all the things that we are going to cover. Okay, so first and foremost, you need to trust that you can be happy without him in order to be happy with him.

So classic definition of this is codependence and lots of women have it on varying scales. I had true codependence, I really did, I had attached my happiness to my husband from a very young age. And I can remember this, it manifested itself in our earliest married years as he is into doing a lot of dangerous mountaineering activities. And he would go on these trips, and I wouldn't hear from him because he wouldn't have cell service. And I would panic, I would make up stories in my mind that he was in trouble or that he was hurt. Or if I hadn't heard from him by a certain hour, I would panic I would fall on, it would be hard for me to relax while he was gone, because I would be so worried about what was going to happen to him. And I didn't know it back at the time. I just thought that that's how you felt when you love someone. But it was complete an and just the definition of codependence and attaching my happiness to him. I was so worried about it. And looking back, it was an obvious sign. But it also my codependence also manifested in always doing the activities that he wanted and not doing the activities that I wanted, always hanging out with his friends. And you know, going to hang with my friends by myself because he didn't want to hang out with my friends, which not that he doesn't like my friends. But you know how it goes. He was fine saying no to those things. And I wasn't fine saying no, because I had all my attached happiness attached to him and wanted to please Him and, and make him happy because I was so afraid of losing him because I didn't think I could be happy without him. And this is really, really common. And all of the cliches we hear are true, you have to know how to make yourself happy before you're going to be truly happy in a relationship, so detaching from him and pulling away and saying no. And stopping doing all the things for him, are actually the start of the way in which you will become happier in your relationship. And that's a scary thing. It sounds very counterintuitive, because we think if we pull away, or if we say no, or if we stopped doing his laundry, or making his dinner, or all the things we do around the house for him, we think that will piss them off. And then he won't love us anymore. And actually the opposite is true. And we're going to talk about that. How that relates when we talk about masculine and feminine energy in just a minute. But as it relates to relationships, it's really important. Everybody talks about the five love languages, right? And knowing your partner's relationship needs, how your partner feels love. And that's really important. And if you haven't read that book, I really think that you should do it. I liked that book. And there are a lot of things I like about that book. And there is there are some things that I don't like about that book. But for me, the biggest and most important concept I learned from that book was that we as humans tend to give love in the ways we want to receive love. And that is just not the way it works because your partner wants to receive love in a different way than you do so that you're not giving it in the same way. Right. So for example, one of my love languages, when we back in our early stages of marriage was receiving gifts. And he didn't love spending money and so he didn't really get gifts or wasn't good at giving me gifts and I would always get him like the best gifts because that I was giving love in the way I wanted to receive it. And he didn't care because gifts weren't his love languages love language. He didn't care about receiving gifts. I was wasting my time and energy. And from my perspective, I was giving, giving and he wasn't giving back. So then resentments build up, right? So I love the five love languages for that message. One of the things that I don't agree with on the five love language is he says that your love languages will never change, mine have definitely 100% changed over 19 years of marriage, I tend to feel like for me, love languages have been my needs tend to be what I'm not receiving. Because as I've worked through my relationship, my relationship and as he's learned how to meet my needs, and he's done a fabulous job of that. Gifts aren't even on the list anymore. Receiving Gifts, it doesn't bother me that much anymore.

I don't think about it as much as I do. And I don't care about it as much as I do. So mine have certainly changed. And so that's one of the things I've just caution you about in the leveling, which is I think they can absolutely change. But going back to the original point I was going to make society talks about understanding your partner's needs. And I do think that's really important. But first, you have to understand your own happiness needs. And that is really hard, especially in the culture that I come from. I grew up in Utah, where it's a very LDS and LDS is Latter Day Saint nickname is Mormon, right, which you've probably heard of more commonly, in a very Mormon LDS community where everyone gets married really young, I do think that's starting to change. But back 20 years ago, when my friends and I were all getting married, we were very young. And I think one of the benefits of waiting until you're 30, to get married as you really learn yourself, and you learn how to make yourself happy before getting into that relationship. And I think it just sets you up massively for more success in your own happiness and in your relationship happiness. And I didn't do that because I got married at age 20. So I was figuring out my own personal happiness. At the same time, it's figuring out how to be happy in a relationship. And it took for me, it wasn't impossible. I'm not saying people can't do it. But for me, I had no clue who I was or what I wanted, I was so lost in trying to just keep him happy. That I, I never really even understood what made me happy. So really understanding yourself. And that's a huge part of what this program is about going all the way back to episode two in the very beginning, where you start to figure out what are your values? Meaning how do you want to spend your time and take away the societal pressures and your spouse's pressures? And all of those things and figure out what do you really want and what really makes you happy. And I now strongly believe that that is a huge major baseline key to having a successful relationship. Okay. And by the way, this is a little bit of an aside, but I should have mentioned it in the beginning, this info that I'm sharing can be applied to a marriage, or if you're just dating, it doesn't have to be a long term relationship to apply this information. So this all applies if you're dating as well, that's, that's a little bit of an aside, but I was just thinking about that, as I was talking about learning your own happiness. So if you're in the dating phase, and you get that butterfly giddy feeling about somebody who you've made a connection with, and you start to do all the things, text him, you know, tell him how you feel all these things, we're going to talk about it in a minute. That's going to set you up right off the bat for the wrong type of relationship. And so I was just thinking of that, as I was talking about knowing how to make ourselves happy, before we get into a relationship, so if you need to be in a relationship to be happy, and you're not in one right now, or you're dating, I would highly recommend taking a step back, working with a therapist, figuring out or taking my program, one on one, I think it would be massively beneficial. Any of those things, before you really jump into your next relationship, create that foundation and really know what it takes for you to be happy. So I think in a relationship, it's not your partner's job to make you happy. Number one, and it's not your job to make your partner happy. And both of those are equally as important because I was striving so much to make him happy. And it just created resentments that built and built and built and finally, you know, just blew up and it was over. Okay. So it is not your job in a relationship to make your partner happy and it is not their job to make you happy. It is your job in a relationship. to deliberately seek out understanding what your partner's love needs are and it is their job in a relationship to deliberately seek out and for you to share what your love needs are. And a lot of us don't even know what those are. I think women are more likely to know what they are than men because we're more likely to be comfortable reading things like the love languages or taking the quiz there's a free quiz on the five love languages. As you can take to figure out your love languages, but it starts there. I mean, it starts with the foundation of personal happiness and knowing what you need to be happy yourself. And then being willing, and, and having the communication with your partner in order to understand what their needs are, and share what your needs are. And then, and then it is your responsibility to make an effort to meet those needs. Okay. And the hint,

I mean, this will come up, I think we're going to talk about it later. But if his love language is physical touch, and we have a whole episode on sex, so get excited a whole section, a whole part of module four is on sex, but if his love language is physical touch, and you're way over on the opposite end of the spectrum, and this is the case with my husband and me, it is your job, to have sex with them. And this is where it gets really difficult and controversial. Because I don't mean that as a woman, that's our job to please our man, I'm not going back. I'm not going anti feminism. That's not what I'm saying. What I'm saying is, physical touch is legitimately a way that a major portion of the population feels love in a relationship. And if your partner's love language is physical touch, and you're choosing to be in a relationship with your partner, it is your job to give him physical touch. And you guys can discuss what forms of that how often because you have to stick within your own boundaries, you have to find compromise. But if it's something that you can't compromise on, you shouldn't be with him, he's not going to change. So that's a really, really important one. And I can't clarify enough how I don't mean it in an anti feminist way. I mean it in a very real relationships, set yourself up for success way. And this is something that I really, really struggled with. And it took me years of therapy to figure this out. That that is genuinely how he feels loved. It's not that he's just trying to get me to have sex with them. He actually needs that in a relationship to feel loved. And some women are that way, right? Sometimes it's the woman who has the strong physical touch, need and not the man and that's really difficult as well. So really, really important things but it is your job to understand and meet your partner's relationship need. Okay. All right. I think we've gone far enough into that one about you needing to be happy without him in order to be happy with him. Hugely important. Okay, we're approaching 30 minutes right now. So I'm gonna go ahead and wrap up this episode. In the next episode Dunt Dunt done, we're going to talk about masculine and feminine energies and I know this is triggering for so many people that some of you will just get it and like roll with it, others will be seriously triggered by it. I'm going to do a little bit more explanation as we start the next episode and preface, though, why it is rooted in women's empowerment. 100% Okay, so get excited. Thanks for listening, and I'll see you in the next episode. Thanks so much for listening to the working mom happiness method. If you liked what you heard, please be sure to subscribe, leave a review and share it with others who might benefit from listening for show notes or to enroll in the working mom happiness method coaching courses, visit www dot women's best life university.com