022: How to Improve Your Relationship, Get Your Needs Met, and Get Him to Help Out (Part 3)

Hi, my name is Katy Blommer and my passion is helping women learn how to put themselves first, I learned all the tools for success on my own 12 year journey that has led me to finally figuring out how to live my best life. My journey included overcoming body image issues, and yo yo dieting, climbing the corporate ladder to a multiple six figure career, navigating mom guilt through a 60 hour workweek turning around marriage issues and much more. Now, I'm truly living my best life. And I've pretty much become obsessed with teaching others my tried and true methods for creating balance, maintaining healthy habits, improving your relationship, career development, and how to stop tying your value and worth, to the way you look and how you serve others. I'm so passionate about helping others learn this, that I created the working mom happiness method to help you get there too. So if you're ready to learn how to live your best life, pull up a chair or put on your walking shoes and get ready to dive in. This is the working mom happiness method podcast.

Hi, welcome to part three of the relationships episode. I've never done three parts before, but I knew this was going to be a long one. So here we are, if you haven't listened to part one, and two, please go back and do that. Especially because there are some disclaimers that I want to call out. And I want you to hear in the beginning of Part One, but also just because you're gonna be jumping right into the middle here if you start with part three. So go back and listen to those if you haven't already. And right now, we're jumping right back in where we left off in letting go of control within your relationship is what we're going to talk about. So the first one related to letting go of control is Don't people please in the relationship stick to your boundaries, so people pleasing is a form of control. That is I know this because I'm a recovering people pleaser. And I was an expert people pleaser for years and years and years. And really what we're doing as people pleasers is we are essentially manipulating people into liking us. Now. That's not always our intention. Right. I think that for the most part, people pleasers are very nice people, we want to take care of people around us and make us happy. But a lot of times as we've talked about many in many past episodes, many times we get our value and our worth all tied up in serving those around us and pleasing those around us. And it really can be rooted in control, because we get a lot of our validation from people liking us on the people around us being pleased with us. And that's a control thing. And it absolutely is a control thing in your relationship. And it will push him away. And it will cause resentments within you because if you're trying to do all the things all the time that make him happy, and he's not people pleasing you in the same way. He's not doing all the things all the time to try to make you happy, which he shouldn't be doing. That's actually not healthy. That's codependence you're gonna get very resentful. It's very real. It's exactly what happened to me. So come up with your boundaries. For me after years and years of people pleasing. I didn't even know what my boundaries were. Let me give you an example. I spent years going on backpacking trips in a mountain range called the U into mountain range near where we live, where it was covered in mosquitoes, just mosquitoes everywhere, we would sleep in a little tiny tent. And we would have to wear bug nets over our faces. And I would get like 5000 mosquito bites because for whatever reason mosquitoes are attracted to me that even though it was beautiful, and in general, I do enjoy backpacking. It was miserable because of the mosquitoes. I did that for like 10 years. It took me going through all the therapy going on my journey, learning how to value myself, and know that I didn't need to make him happy for my own happiness that I didn't need him to stay with me for my own happiness to set a boundary that I don't go on those backpacking trips anymore. I just don't go because they're miserable. And what did that do? Actually, it turned out really in my favorite because he ended up finding a backpacking trip that was more in the desert where there aren't mosquitoes and now we go on that one and I love it and I have so much fun. That's just one example. So really take some time. I know we did the boundaries exercise way back in, let's see values was Module One goals. Module two boundaries was module three way back in module three, we did our boundaries and really think through this in your relationship from a people pleasing perspective. What are your boundaries? What are you willing to do, and not to in order to be happy in your own life, have time for yourself, you do have to meet his relationship needs or try to meet his relationship needs. But you don't have to cross your own boundaries in order to do that. Now you might need therapy on some things in order to meet his relationship needs without creating your own boundaries, especially if some of his relationship needs are related to sex and you have some trauma in that area. Because you might have lots of boundaries in that area, and you might need to work through some of those in order to meet his relationship needs, that's actually fairly common. But it is so important as it relates to letting go of control. Because if you are people pleasing in your relationship, the root of that is trying to control how he feels about you. And that is a disaster for so many reasons, including it's pushing him away and disconnecting from him. Okay, next one that is so incredibly important, you cannot change him, you either have to accept him exactly the way he is, or end it. Okay, now that sounds really finite, and really black and white, let's actually just dissect that a little bit. You can't change him, that is true. And if you're in the early stages of a relationship, you're dating, somebody, just know that they're not going to change. A lot of times we get into relationship thinking, we can change this thing about this person or whatever, they're not going to change, you can ask for what you want. So sometimes that will result in them changing, and sometimes it won't, they are the only ones who can choose to change themselves, you can't change them. Where do I see this a lot in women forcing their male partner to go to therapy,

scheduling therapy appointments for them calling around finding therapists and telling them they need to go to therapy, not going to work, not gonna work, the therapy is not going to work. If they're not into it, if they're not invested or engaged, that's mothering him, it's going to push him away. He's not going to have any success in therapy until he chooses to go to therapy himself. And it's the same with anything. That's just one pretty common example that I've seen in my coaching. And as well as read about in books, that sort of thing, it's really common for us to try to make them go to therapy, but most of them don't want to do it, because of the way that society raised them. That's the toxic masculinity. It didn't happen for me until I ended it until I did I ended up. That's what it took in my relationship for him to do that with me. So really tricky thing, but so you either have to accept him exactly as he is or ended. But you can ask for what you want, you can ask for what you want. And then you have to eventually, once you've asked a few different times in the ways that we've talked about here, if he still is not making the change, then you have to decide if it is a deal breaker for you in a relationship or not. If it is a deal breaker, then you have to give the ultimatum. And if he doesn't do it, you actually have to follow through and end it. Otherwise, you're setting himself up for not meeting your needs going forward. Because he's going to know you're not serious. If he does change it, I mean, Awesome, that's great. But if he doesn't, you actually have to walk away, he may change it after you walk away, that is a thing that sometimes happens. But you just have to believe in your value and worth enough to know that you are worth getting that need met. Now, if you decide, it's not a deal breaker for you, this is so hard. This is where things get so hard, you actually have to let it go. He's not going to change it. So if he will never help with doing the dishes, for example, never. And you've asked him in this way, multiple times. And it's not a deal breaker, so you're not willing to leave him for it. He won't change it, he's not going to change it. Like you have to accept it and stop asking. Because then the continuing to ask over and over and over again is going to be a disconnector. Now you might give it a year or two years or whatever and try it again. There's nothing wrong with that. And in the beginning, it is worth asking quite a few times and saying how you feel quite a quite a few times. And it is okay to say it makes me feel unloved. It makes me feel like you don't love me, because I need this help. And I'm not getting it, it's okay to say that it's always okay to say how you truly feel. And hopefully he will hear that enough and make the change but he may not and then you have a decision to make. And that is one of the hardest parts of all of the stuff that I'm talking about. I did get to that point, by the way, where I asked multiple times for the help that I needed. And for my needs to be met and it didn't happen and I did have to end it. I did get to that point now. He ended up making the change and being willing to go to the therapy and he has made lots of changes and I give him just huge credit for that. Tons of massive change but that's how it worked for me. That's not how it works for everybody. Again, some relationships are meant to end and you are worth getting your needs met and having help in your relationship. Okay, that was that when you cannot change him. We already talked about how mothering him and doing everything for him will push him away subconsciously he'll think he likes it in the moment. But subconsciously it creates disconnection it causes you to have resentment and that is disconnect or in a relationship plus it's just going to make you exhausted all the time. So you have to stop doing everything for him, even if it means your house gets messy, even if it means your lawn goes across really long, I'm just giving common examples, there could be other examples of change that you're asking for here. Working hard to move the relationship forward is a form of control, and it will push him away. So this is what we talked about in the last episode about, like the relationship timeline and how we're trying to like push and force men to move the relationship along on our timeline. You can ask for what you want, always, you can always ask for what you want, make it about you, I want I need, I feel, starting sharing with all of those, but telling him what to do and trying to move the relationship forward in that way is going to push them away and trying to control the pace of the relationship, all you can do is ask for what you want. And then you get to decide whether he does it or not based on whether he does it or not, if you want to stay with him, or if you want to leave him.

When dating, controlling looks like being the one to text him call him initiate asking how he asked him how he feels about you, all these things are all forms of control. Now, this doesn't mean that you can't be the one who sends the first text or you can't be the one who asked the guy out or you can't be the one who kisses him. First. It's not that as I'm all about all of that women's empowerment doing that. What I'm saying is, you can't be the one who's constantly doing all of the initiating, you have to take a step back, lean back, stop clinging so hard to needing to please Him. So this goes along with what we talked about in the last episode, where if you're dating somebody, or married to somebody for that matter, and you have plans that you've scheduled, like, let's say you're going out with your girlfriends, and he comes around and he out of nowhere, says hey, I have these tickets tonight, I would love for you to go with me. Do you want to go with me? And of course you want to go with him and you want to go with him more than you want to go with your friends. Like that is a real thing. Because you're super excited and you're into him and you want to do it. You can't do it. You have to say no, if you already have plans, you have to say no, I know, it's like the hardest thing ever. And it sounds crazy. Because it sounds like you're gonna He's gonna think that you don't like him, when he's going to leave. That's not how it works. That's actually not and this is not game playing, by the way. Oh my gosh, I need to make that so clear. This is not game playing. This is honoring yourself and the plans that you already made, it's actually not a good thing for you as a person to ditch your friends just because this guy asked you out now would they understand your course they would understand. But it's just it's setting the relationship off on the wrong foot and the wrong tone. It's not a game, it's really in women's empowerment, taking care of yourself. Now a byproduct of it, because of the way that masculine energy works, it will dry him to you, he's gonna see you come across as confident somebody who stands up for themselves. And that's the kind of guy you want pulling towards you. You want somebody who appreciates and is drawn to that level of independence and confidence. That's a really healthy sign. And that's what you want. Because you want both people coming to the relationship in their own happiness, knowing how to make themselves happy and not needing the other one for their happiness. So that's all healthy and good. But it's a really hard thing to do, because we really want to go out with him when he invites us. So that's a huge one. Ask asking him how he feels about you is a form of control. And it's also a sign if you're confused about how he feels it's a little bit of a red flag. It's not a huge red flag. Like most men are as good as sharing their feelings because of how society raised them and taught them. But you can ask for things that you need from him, you can say I need you to be more open with me about how you're feeling you can say things like that I need I want. But asking him all the time how he feels about you is a form of control. So really just question if it's feeling like you don't understand how he feels about you, that's a little bit of a red flag you want to pay attention to and go a little deeper there and kind of figure that out, versus just asking him how he feels. Okay. And then forms of control. So forms of control when dating, I talked about texting, calling, initiating, ask him how he feels forms of control, when you're in like a longer term committed relationship looks like planning everything, doing everything around the house, taking care of him trying to make him change, trying to make things easy for him. You don't need to make things easy for him. It's not your job, you don't have to do that. And if his love language is acts of service, then maybe he needs a little more of that but you need to get really clear on what your boundaries are and what he actually needs. If his love languages is not acts of service, you don't have to do all the things for him. You can work full time and do all the things he can work full time and do all the things so this has been a huge one that has shifted and in my marriage that has been amazing is I used to do all the things and work full time and now he does all the things and we both work full time. Well, we we split it up still but he does probably more than half at this point since he kind of has gone through therapy and And I've learned how to speak to him in the right way. And we figured all this stuff out. So. Okay, so let's move on to the next topic. So this one is all about, let him love you and let him be himself.

So remember, we talked about back in the very beginning, in part one of this topic, he wants to be respected and appreciated for exactly who he is. He doesn't want you trying to change him all the time being criticized, remember, is an intimacy killer for masculine energy. So if you can show that respect and appreciation and make him feel safe being who he is, that's a massive connector. But if he feels like you just want to change him all the time, that's a massive disconnect. So think through that one really carefully. He wants to feel like he makes you happy. We're going to talk about this in just a minute when we talk about how to ask for what you want go a little bit deeper on that. But good guys want to make women happy. Good guys will want to give you what you need. They'll want to meet your needs. That's more what I mean versus like an abusive or toxic or just an asshole kind of guy. A good guy wants to meet your needs, the toxic masculinity of society has taught him that pleasing his woman is a good thing. First of all, so you got that going in your favor. We don't like toxic masculinity, but it's real, it happened. It's a thing. But second, it's just, um, men have been taught to take care of women, you know, whether we think that's right or wrong, or part of toxic masculinity or not. He has a drawl and uphole to meet your needs, and he wants you as his partner to be happy. And that probably apply it men and even be like a men, man, woman thing that probably applies to gay relationships, other types of relationships. But it's really is a thing. And it's part of why this stuff works, especially if you share how something makes you feel, especially if you share it, you're feeling unhappy or unloved or those negative feelings really deeply. And honestly, we're scared to do that, because we're scared to be too dramatic. But that's actually what he'll end up hearing. And that's actually what will make it more likely for you to get your needs met in the relationship. Being who you really are, will make him safe as well. This means relaxing and letting go of control and just being which is a big part of feminine energy that we struggle with like just truly being ourselves and being vulnerable and sharing our deep feelings and thoughts with him. It really helps him to feel safe, versus hiding our feelings acting like we don't care about something, when we really do, we really need to be very authentic about sharing when something makes us feel bad or negative. Whatever that bad or negative feeling is, we've got to be open because it makes him trust who we are. So we're for real about what we're feeling, we become a lot less unpredictable. In our feelings, he doesn't have to guess he doesn't have to read our mind. If we ask for what we want, feel and need, it's going to make him more safe to be himself. And that's going to be connecting, he's going to feel like we're predictable, and that he can be himself as well. And he can share his heart and negative feelings. Okay, the next one is really important. Accept his compliments. When he gives you a compliment. Don't negate it by telling him why it's wrong. For women, this especially comes up when he tells us that he loves the way our body looks, or thinks that we're sexy or thinks that we're beautiful. We tend to explain it away because we don't like the way that we look. We don't like the way that our body looks. And the whole working mom happiness method has components of that all up in it. We know we've talked a lot about this. But a big part of learning how to accept and respect your body is to accept compliments from your male partner. And it really makes him feel awful when he tries to give you a nice compliment. It doesn't even have to be about the way you look. It could be about how good of a cook you are, how good of a mom you are. Whatever how good you are at your job. Don't talk him out of the compliments. Don't brush them off. Oh, no, no, no, I'm just this or I'm just I'm not. I'm not good at that. Oh, no, it's not that good. Don't say those things. It's really hurtful to him. And it really is an intimacy killer, and a connection killer. accept the compliment and tell him thank you like sincerely thank you. Look at him, connect with them and thank him for those compliments. This is huge. And this is so common of a thing that we do we discount their compliments. And it's a big Miss as an easy connector in relationships. Tolerate imperfection and praise effort. So I talked about this. I can't remember if it was the last part or the first part of in one of the last two episodes I talked about it or the last parts of this episode.

If he does something that you've been asking, you've been saying you need Do I need help with this, I need this, I want this. And he doesn't do it perfect to your standards. criticizing him is the worst thing that you can do. It's the worst thing that you can do in that scenario, praise him for the effort, tell him how much you appreciate it. And then after he's gotten more into a pattern of doing that thing, and it's become more of a habit, and you've continued to tell him how appreciative you are, and how good it makes you feel to have his health and what a relief it is, because you were so exhausted, I mean, make a big deal out of these things really do it, he's going to hear that, then after that, you can then take it to the next level and say, Hey, I'm noticing that you're sweeping the floor, which is like amazing and so appreciative. But I'm also noticing that the pile gets left in there, because the pile of stuff gets left on the floor, as I mentioned in the last episode, right? As the example I use, the pile gets left on the floor, and I'm stepping on it, it's sticking to my feet. What should we do about that? You literally like open ended, what should we do about that, and I know this sounds ridiculous and silly. And one of the women who took my program said she feels like it's like, almost like I'm telling her to talk to him like he's a toddler or a dog like dog training. And it may feel in sound like that. But I don't mean it to be demeaning. It's like, it's not a game, it's like, very, very real, you have to really think about a way to talk about it and how it makes you feel and then let them fix it. It just works as infuriating as it is. And as silly as it sounds, it just ends up working. And then if you say that, and he still doesn't pick up the pile, then you have to take it to the next level further like that my friend did in the example, I gave in the last episode, where she said, Hey, this is really making me feel unloved. And I think it might be a relationship breaker, if you continue to leave the pile out. It's just all about how she felt all about how she felt about it, right. So that's how you can kind of go step by step and getting your needs met. So getting him to do the thing you need them to do. And then eventually getting him to do it in the way that you need him to do it. But you do you have to come in and compromise, you can't expect perfection. In general, you shouldn't expect perfection. When it comes to things like cleaning the house and getting help cleaning the house, it's actually healthier for you to let go of having a perfectly clean house than to try to make him get to your standard of perfection, that is really, really a thing for you to let go of that perfection. And I'm just using cleaning as one example. But in all those areas. Okay, the last thing I want to cover and then I'm going to wrap this up is this whole concept of I've kind of been referencing it as you know, speaking dude, I'm holding up air quotes on dude, I don't want that to sound offensive, but like, they really do speak a different language in a lot of ways, especially when it comes to emotions and feelings than we do. And so this whole concept of showing appreciation and respect, and then saying how it makes you feel, is one thing. So that's in general, like such a relationship connector. So that could be let me give you an example. I appreciate so much. And I respect so much that you work so hard at your job to help provide for our family, saying that might feel cheesy or uncomfortable for you. But saying that will go such a long way if he in fact does provide for your family and has to be genuine has to be true, and that you actually appreciate it. And then say it makes me feel so good to be supported in that way. It makes me feel really loved. If you take it to the next level, it's such a connecting statement to say to him, it's it's huge, it will go such a long way. So find little things like that little or big, that's kind of a bigger one. Like that's about the fact that he has a job and helps provide for the family, you can find little ones big ones say things like that huge connector. But on the trickier side, when you're having issues in your relationship and your needs aren't being met. One of the best and most important things that you can do is sit with yourself and really understand your feelings and really understand what's going on with you. So for example, if you're exhausted and overwhelmed all the time, because you're doing all the things because he doesn't care if they get done right the example that we've kind of been using and I know there are lots of different examples of this. But that's just such a common and a classic one that I like to use it.

Go sit with yourself a firt first you can start off by just saying I'm feeling exhausted and overwhelmed. Because I'm working full time and doing all the things around the house. And I can't keep going this much. I'm too exhausted and too, too overwhelmed. I need help. What should we do? Start with that? Okay, it's gonna go like I talked about in the last episode, it's not going to go well the first few times is takes work that takes practice. The first maybe the second or the third time you bring it up, go sit with yourself and really bring those feelings up in your boss Are you exhaustion overwhelmed? Picture him not doing the things that you need picture yourself. You know, getting all the kids ready to go out into the car getting all their stuff together and he's just like chillin and then it takes them 30 seconds to get ready, right? Like picture a specific example. How do you really really feel? There's probably frustration, anger, resentment. But deep down, especially if you ask for it multiple times, you probably feel unheard and unseen, which we go way back to the first part of this topic. That's an intimacy killer for feminine energy. Feeling unheard and unseen really makes you feel unloved. Those are the types of things you need to share with him. Those are the words you need to use. When you say I'm exhausted and overwhelmed and doing too much. I'm not getting help. And it makes me feel unloved and unheard. And it is a potential relationship killer for me, what should we do? Now he has options and how he wants to solve it. Option number one is you can do nothing. And if it is a relationship breaker for you, you're going to end the relationship as dramatic and as hard as that sounds, you're worth it, you're worth being with somebody who helps you. Number two, he could choose to change and start helping you just by you sharing, he might do that he might help more just by you sharing those deep feelings. Number three, he could choose to hire a cleaning company to help out maybe that's the solution, right? There are lots of different solutions. There's also an option number one where you leave him he realized how serious you are. And he comes back and then is willing to help. That's what happened to me doesn't always happen. It's not always the case. But sometimes it does. So this is really, really important to truly figure out what is it that you're feeling. And sometimes that's hard for us. And we don't want to make it dramatic. But you have to make a dramatic because resentments build over the years about this stuff. And this is the type of thing that ends relationships. It builds and builds and festers and festers and we bury it and we tell ourselves, oh, there's something wrong with us, we can just suck it up, we can just do it. Because we don't value ourselves enough to demand that our needs be met in our relationship. And when I say demand, remember, that's not how you ask for it, you ask for it. By sharing how you feel. It's always about how you feel versus criticizing him or telling him to do something. It's showing appreciation, showing respect, remembering to understand what his needs are, and try to meet those, letting him know what your needs are asking for those telling him what you want. Always it's okay to say what you want and say what you need, as long as you're making it about you and not telling him what to do. You're telling him what you want and what you need. And you're leaving it up to him to either do that or not do that. If he does it great. If he doesn't do it, then you need to take it to a more dramatic level. And you just have to decide if it's a deal breaker or not. And then you go from there, as we've discussed. Okay. So before we wrap up, I want to talk about the success that I have seen through even not even within my own marriage, which I've mentioned here. But through doing this stuff, because it sounds hard, a lot of its feet will start to feel a little bit like game playing. It's not game playing, it's all got to be genuine and sincere and come from a sincere place. And a lot of it is triggering, and a lot of it is infuriating that we even have to do these things or be mindful of them. But the success that I have seen with this is crazy. It works every single time. Now some of it doesn't work on the first try, you have to get better at it hone in your skills. I have a really good friend of mine. She's one of my very best friends. And we tried this out years ago, when we first discovered the book that I told you about have the relationship you want by Rory Ray, which we call the book, I'm holding it up in air quotes. It's like our book when we first and by the way, she hated it all too. So it's a normal part to just hate it and be furious about it, then you try it and then it all works. And it makes your life better. And you're like, Okay, I hate this. But I'm open to doing it because it makes my life better. And you don't hate it once you get good at it once you do realize it's all based in your own empowerment. But back years ago, when we first started experimenting with it, she was dating. And she was not an issue for her to get dates. So we tested on so many guys she was dating, and a couple of like actual decent term relationships. They weren't long, long term relationships, but a couple of relationships that went longer than sort of just just casually dating. And then eventually we used it in a long term relationship with her that ended up being her husband, who's she's now married to and she still uses these tools. And we got really good at it because we would brainstorm. We would have all these little scenarios and she would say he just said this, what should I do? What should I say? And we really to this day believe that the time when her husband really who is now her husband, but they were just sort of started dating back then really really fell for her was this classic time where she had plans. I think her plans were to go golfing but I can't exactly remember. And we were at a girls night we were at our or Bachelor watch party the show The Bachelor. We watched it together. And he invited her to go on a little weekend trip. And she was really into him and excited about him. And of course, she wanted to go, but she had plans. And we all of us right now you tell him? No, he can't give you three hours notice to leave on a Friday night. Nope, you're not doing that you already have plans, and she wanted to go so bad. But she stayed strong. And she told him no, and it's not game playing. It's not, it's because she valued herself enough to keep those plans, and to set that relationship up for success. So he knew that she had her own confidence and her own plans and her own things in her life that made her happy. And she wasn't going to attach all her happiness to him. Now that actually drew him in more than ever before. And from there on out, they started dating, like pretty seriously. So this stuff, it really works. We did all the different scenarios and tested it. And every single time we were very thoughtful about and actually followed these guidelines. It worked every single time. So it really does work. And if you are struggling in your relationship, please reach out to me because I'm happy to go deeper with you on any of these things specifically as it relates to your scenario. And that's one of the huge benefits of taking my private my one on one program or my group program is that we can get into your specific needs in any of these areas, not just relationships. But anyway, thanks for hanging in there. This was a three part one I can't believe but I knew it would be a lot of information because it's it's just so important. So thanks for listening, and I'll talk to you in the next episode.

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